Oneness without losing yourself

There’s a common misconception about the ego. When we first notice ourselves having an ego, we don’t think much of it until someone points out how our persona is affecting them. That’s usually when we start to see our ego as something “bad.” But your ego is an innate part of you. It’s never going to leave, so you might as well learn how to befriend it and let it become a complement to who you are.

When I first started my healing journey to understand myself more deeply, I found myself gobbling up new ways of thinking, new concepts, and entirely new understandings. As beautiful as this process has been, I wasn’t really filtering these ideas or creating my own interpretation of them. Things felt black and white, with no room for the differences or dualities that could actually complement each other and create balance.

One of the concepts I came across was the ego. I very quickly labelled it as something bad, selfish, and self-centred. Along with this came the idea of ego death — when your sense of self melts into a feeling of oneness with everything around you.

As I unravelled these ideas, I became curious about the ego and especially intrigued by this idea of ego death. I was also attached to the belief that having an ego was wrong because I was afraid of how others would see me. I didn’t want to be described or labelled with all the negative traits I had tied to it. So my goal, in a way, became to achieve an ego death.

That’s where an internal duality began. It slowly turned into an intense inner dilemma. If I felt proud of myself or experienced a sense of individual accomplishment, the praise I gave myself felt arrogant and self-centred. Even feeling confident in how I looked felt wrong somehow. I started wandering around in my own mind, unsure of how to respond to situations or how to behave, all because I was afraid of having an ego and fixated on the idea of getting rid of it.

Recently, as I’ve reconnected with parts of myself in a softer, more compassionate way, another pathway has opened up. In this new perspective, the ego is not something you can make disappear, and it’s not something you should try to erase. Instead, it’s something to get acquainted with so deeply that you understand how to use it, and you actually allow yourself to use it.

Your ego is a complement to who you are, not a piece you simply remove. The praise you feel, the self‑love you cultivate, these are necessary. They help you recognize what does and doesn’t align with you. As beautiful as oneness with everything sounds, there is also beauty in individuality, which still relates to and interacts with what’s around you.

If you believe that pure oneness with everyone and everything is the only answer, you might start thinking that you must constantly reflect on what’s around you. From there, it’s easy to become dependent on your environment, almost puppeteered by your circumstances, instead of becoming accountable for your own actions and your own life.

To truly hold yourself accountable, you have to accept yourself (your ego) as a tool for taking responsibility. In this way, the ego becomes a complement to who you are.

Of course, the ego can also tilt the scale. It can lean into the feeling of “I am better than everyone,” which creates separation from others. That’s the kind of comparison you need to be wary of. Instead of “I am better than everyone,” it can become “I am better than I was yesterday, and that growth will also help my surroundings become better.”

This complementary approach allows you to honour your individuality while also considering the world around you. Your ego helps you set boundaries – what does and doesn’t work for you – and with that comes the beauty and security of saying no, simply because something doesn’t align with you or benefit you.

In essence, the point is not to remove or fear the ego, but to build a relationship with it and find a balance that complements who you are. This balance lets you relate to others through a sense of oneness, while also maintaining a grounded sense of self that sets you apart from the crowd. From there, you can live your life with responsibility, accountability, and a deep sense of security in your choices and actions. 

So, how do you see your ego? Do you experience it as a bad thing, a good thing, or a compliment to who you are? Can your ego become your friend, or are you still afraid of it?

Z.