The void that comes from breaking toxic cycles

I have found myself several times in this state where I feel void or like something is missing inside me, despite experiencing a sense of calm and peace. I didn’t understand it until recently, when I found myself again in that state, which is often followed by anxiety and uncertainty, even the feeling of being lost, because I don’t know why things are so calm. This last time, I came across someone explaining this cycle we go through if we are surrounded by toxic patterns, raised amidst challenges that must be met, or simply the feeling of being in survival mode. 

And you might be wondering, what the fuk is survival mode? For some context, I think it’s this sensation where you’re always preparing yourself for the next challenge, not because you've asked for it, but because you’ve grown accustomed to solving issues all the time. But where do these issues come from? A deeper dive into inner child healing revealed that challenges can start early and become a habitual, predictable response from our nervous system. It makes us accustomed to expecting more problems, regardless of trusting that we can handle them - it’s exhausting. But once we begin to experience pauses and feel that peace within, we panic, assuming it’s just the calm before the storm. Is it really? I believe that the cycle of predicting issues and waiting for problems stems not only from familiarity but also from a sense of lack and emptiness. 

During these pauses or in-between moments, when we finally get a breather, we feel this void inside us. Not knowing what to do with it, we face two choices: either go back to the cycle, waiting for another issue (which could even involve creating issues within ourselves and lead to self-sabotage), or choose to fill that void with a different approach and mindset. The latter is a bit more challenging because it requires stepping out of our comfort zone and familiarity. Taking that step means surrendering fully to the unknown, while also trusting that things can be different without having a specific goal, plan, or outcome in mind. Realizing that this in-between space is an opportunity for a new beginning, for filling your cup with different things, also means taking control of your life instead of letting your life control you. I hope that makes sense… 

In essence, this emptiness we feel is an opportunity for rediscovery and rebirth, a chance to start taking responsibility for your life and trying things you wouldn’t normally do. During these transitions, others might say you’re not acting like yourself, or that you’re overreacting. You might start dreaming again, feeling inspired, and even be told that what you’re doing makes no sense. Trust me, I know what it’s like when people say you’re not acting like yourself — it’s probably the most authentic I’ve felt in a long time. You might stop sugarcoating things or avoiding certain issues, and that can feel strange because you’re not used to it. But this is exactly the moment to try; try new things, explore what you’ve been putting off out of fear, and start living the way you want because you’re finally giving yourself permission (just please don’t do anything buffonish or harmful) So, why not give yourself a chance to break this cycle that’s not aligned with you and embrace the opportunity for rebirth and rediscovery? It might be scary, but everyone loves an adventure, and I’m sure you do too.

Z.